Sunday, January 16, 2011


You know how everyone talks about the first moments in love. They talk about how sweet the first kiss is, the first time they hold hands, the first time they say I love you. They talk about how you walk on air and smile like an fool.
And you know what? Those things are all fine, but honestly, I don't like them. I want to kiss passionately with someone all while knowing that they will love me forever and stay with me til the day I die. I want to hold hands while we embark on the new journeys life has to offer us together knowing we will be there to back each other up. I want to say I am in love to that guy because I cannot imagine NOT saying it every day. I want to be grounded to the earth and trust in the one person that will guide me, support me, and be my anchor in the storm. I want to secretly smile because I know that I am with the one person who I will love with all of my being.

But first I have to go through all of the firsts in a relationship to find out if they're the person that I am supposed to be with and frankly, that scares the hell out of me. Do I even want to go through that with another guy who will unappreciate me, make me feel small, make me doubt who I am? Is it worth the risk?

Tuesday, January 11, 2011


Dating. It's that awkward stage between giving someone that shy glance from underneath your lashes and marriage. I don't know anyone who really loves dating. They want to date so they'll seem as if they're worth someone's time, but they would truly be happy if they didn't have to. I think people are so worried about whether or not someone likes them or when this wonderful relationship is going to end horribly with police involvement that they can't even really enjoy it.

Questions like, do they like me, like, really like me? Are they in love with me? Are they just leading me on because no one else in their right mind would ever date this person? Is this person really worth the time and effort I am putting into them? Will I regret every decision I made to be with this person? Will it turn out to be my true love? Do true loves really exist? Why doesn't my boyfriend send me flowers every day? Why do they get a good looking guy? Is this person going to turn out to be awesome or the biggest loser ever?

And the thing is, because we're so busy asking these questions we don't have time to appreciate the person we're with or the dating scene. Instead we're worried about our breath and what our hair looks like and whether or not that guy likes my boobs but I'm too embarassed to ask because that makes them think about sex and I don't necessarily want them to think about that I just want to know if they like mine and then we can move on before I realize this guy is a total creeper and I hate him and his stupid face.
Am I right people? Am I the only one that does this?

And talking on the phone....I hate it. I can't see their faces. I get so nervous. Butterflies form in my stomach and my hands sweat and shake and I usually end up saying something so stupid that it's hard to make it seem charming because I know I would think they were a loser if they said that to me and I don't want them to think I'm a loser! And what if they gave me a false number and they were too nice to tell me they didn't really like me like that? My heart starts to race and then I feel so sick that I would rather sing onstage to a thousand people than make this phone call. Then I think, oh, they should like me and I don't care what they think. Actually, yes I do but I'm lying to myself because I want to have more confidence in myself. I have more confidence than this, right? I'm going to throw up. No! I won't! I'm going to be fine. If they don't like me, screw them. I'm awesome.

That's what it's like in my mind, and it plays over and over and over. Sometimes I think arranged marriages are a great thing because then I wouldn't have to worry about this. Oh wait, that isn't such a good idea either. *sigh* Let's never speak of this again. It's too overwhelming!

End point: Dating sucks. Let's just join a big marriage site and we'll all just get told who to marry based on our likes/dislikes/beliefs and move on. Art anyone?

Friday, January 7, 2011


Some days I just feel down and out about my art. I feel like it's the worst thing in the world and that I'm the most mediocre, blandest, most boring and unoriginal artist that ever tried to compete with these great artists that I see.

However, when I actually stop to think about it, thos great artists that I admire didn't become good artists until they were much older than I. I forget that I am still young and still have my whole life ahead of me to improve my art. Thing is, I also realize that some of those artists that I used to go all gaga over are not that good. They aren't bad, but they aren't as good as I thought they were. I've surpassed them. If that can happen, maybe it will continue to happen over the course of my life.

I also think that taking art classes have really improved my art because I'm forced to stretch and grow and do things that I hate, but they make me a better artist, no matter how much I complain about them. It's true, I'll never have a love for perspective but I now understand it. I still hate landscapes but now I can make better backgrounds for my subjects. It's seems like I'd never understand the human body but now they don't look all stiff or having broken bones.

And the truth is, no matter how much I sucked, I love art. I would work and work until I was the best, and I do. I've dedicated my life to this and I intend to see it through. I've found that doing what you love is still the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but I don't regret a single moment of it. So those of you who feel like you suck, get out there and do it because you love it! Do it because you have the opportunity to. Do it because if you're really an artist, you'll be a success.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The One True Mate

Ah, true love....does that even exist? Why do we all look for it? Why does it seem so important? I don't know why. I think maybe it's what humans do to make procreation seem like more than the crude making of babies. Maybe it's so we'll find someone to be with when we get old so we don't die alone. Whatever it is, for some reason, we feel as if we've failed in life if we don't find that "special someone". Why is it a failure to not procreate? Do we really have to die alone if we don't find someone to have sex with? No, I think not. Failure is never making friends, never connecting with anyone in life, romantic or otherwise. So go, my friends, and make a difference in someone's life.

Random quote: "Stop molesting your friends."